News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
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Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Body by sandwich.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
*limbos under the caution tape
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down