asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
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robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.