Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
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Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Does your wife know you’re single?
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow