Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
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You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
new wife guy just dropped
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.