me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
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“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Noted.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.