Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
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Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.