Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
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I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.