I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
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[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you