HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation