Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
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opening twitter today
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive