Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
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[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.