A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
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I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.