When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
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My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”