What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
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Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
What is going on? 😅
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*