You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
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*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.