[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
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At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Breaking news:
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly