If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
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Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.