Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
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Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
me as a parent
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?