My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
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(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
can’t wait til they legalize outside
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.