jesus, what did this guy do
You Might Also Like
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t