Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
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It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards