have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
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Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*