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“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.