Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
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me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
True
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.