Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
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Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs