Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
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My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.