Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
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Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently