GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
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“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Covid like
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Worst bar ever.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink