The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
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The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Incredible customer service.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]