My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
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12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~