my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
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My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Sing it!
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*