Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
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Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.