At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
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Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Only a mother’s love …
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.