If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
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Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag