Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
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[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.