wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
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Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *