Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
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i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together