TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
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[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
the icebreaker
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”