*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
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9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
We’ve come full circle
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.