Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
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I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.