SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
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We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
based al yankovic
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Perfect
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Vodka burrito was a success
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?