I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
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WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
estão todos miauvindo?
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
See..?
.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT