Miscakes
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If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Me checking my bank balance online.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company