McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
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The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it