John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
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I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.