I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
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All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
That’s no pocket rocket.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.