If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
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Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Every work call, he judges.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong