Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
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My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
meanwhile over on facebook
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Make new friends? bro out of what?
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.