Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
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losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
They’re not wrong
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Plant care tips
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet