JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
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My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere